


Harry Potter and The Mostly Gay Group Chat

by swimmingnacholover



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Begins in their third year, F/F, F/M, I'm hopefully going to do better than JK Rowling, Literally every fucking important character, M/M, Nagini??, SO!!!!, and i didn't want to work on it, and it made me sad, bullshit, but y'all already knew that, draco is a drama queen, i edited the tags because i was talking shit about my work, i erased that shit, i saw the new Fantastic Beasts trailer and???, i'm only gonna think positively about my work now, she's goofed up a lot lately
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-02-01 18:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12710931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swimmingnacholover/pseuds/swimmingnacholover
Summary: Basically, it's just a rewrite with memes and shenanigans and a whole lot of tomfoolery. If you're here for plot, you'll have to wait a while because for now it's just silly fun.





	1. Chapter One

PlatinumBitch has added TheBoyWhoSucksDick, TheWeasel, NevilleGonnaGiveYouUp, CompleteLUNAtic, TheRealSavior, Gred, and Forge to "Hogwarts express binch"

PlatinumBitch: I cannot believe y'all still went ahead and got y'all supplies without me this was supposed to be a group thing

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: could you let it go? also wtf is my name???

PlatinumBitch: :*

TheWeasel: and mine??

TheRealSavior: I think mine is pretty accurate. 

Gred: tru^^

NevilleGonnaGiveYouUp: mine is kinda funny

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: still didn't answer my question, Malfoy 

PlatinumBitch: didn't think I needed to, Potter

CompleteLUNAtic: are you guys gonna kiss on the train again??

TheRealSavior: ummm, when did this happen????

CompleteLUNAtic: on the way home last year

TheWeasel: WOW FUCKIN EXPOSED

Gred: rekt

PlatinumBitch: I came out here to have a good time,,,,and honestly I'm feeling so attacked rn

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: you're supposed to be the NICE quiet person

CompleteLUNAtic: who?? Me???

PlatinumBitch: let's change the subject. Potter what color is your cauldron?

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: uuumm, like a darker grey

PlatinumBitch: mine is silver see this is why I wanted to get our stuff as a group so we could match but nOoOoOo 

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: babe,,,,,,that's fuckin gay

PlatinumBitch: :*

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: :/

PlatinumBitch: excuse u????

TheWeasel: oh no

TheRealSavior: oh no

NevilleGonnaGiveYouUp: oh no

Gred: aw fuck

CompleteLUNAtic: what's happening???

PlatinumBitch: do you have an idea exactly the kind of power that I have? I am a Malfoy. I am of Pureblood status. My father is one of the most influential and powerful wizards of our time. You dare to disrespect me? My father WILL be hearing about, Harry Potter. He will unleash upon you an unstoppable onslaught that your feeble mind couldn't even comprehend until it was too late. But joy, my love, for it's not to late. You can end this madness before it even begins. Just apologize and we can forget you ever hurt me.

 

TheBoyWhoSucksDick has left the chat

 

PlatinumBitch: YOU MOTHERFUCKER


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're all at the platform trying to find each other. Too many muggles are there. It's chaos.

GrangerDanger: ok wtf??? Harry, Ron, where are you???

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: at the platform

GrangerDanger: I knew that already but where???

GingerBoi: bloody hell Hermione we're near the fuckin tracks

PlatinumBitch: do you even realise how stupid you are ? THERE ARE TRACKS FOR FUCKIN MILES

Gred: look for the goddamn sea of red hair 

GrangerDanger: thank you, Fred. 

GrangerDanger: ok now I see you guys. Hold on I'm heading your way

PlatinumBitch: HERMIONEEEE LOOK LEFT

GrangerDanger: oh my god the light hit your hair and now I cAN'T SEE 

PlatinumBitch: rude!! WAIT FOR ME!!l 

GrangerDanger: Malfoy is that you??? Where are you I can't see your gorgeous face

PlatinumBitch: I'm here. Just grab my hand and I'll guide you

GrangerDanger: thank you. You're so kind

GingerBoi: how can you see to type on your phone?????

GrangerDanger: she can't this is Malfoy 

GrangerDanger: #hacked

GrangerDanger: fuck you you Ellen DeGenerous looking ass bitch

PlatinumBitch: she FUCKING KICKED ME IN THE SHIN

GingerBoi: "Ellen degenerous looking ass bitch"

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: fuckin rekt his whole life

Gred: Hermione you've officially become my best friend 

Forge: ummm, what???

Gred: when did you get here???

Forge: I've been here the whole time?

Gred: that's?? Really creepy???

PlatinumBitch: ok ok everyone shut the fuck up

PlatinumBitch: we need to discuss seating arrangements 

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: me, you, Ron, Hermione, Neville in one cart. And Fred, George, Angelina, Luna and Ginny in the one across from us.

PlatinumBitch: oh that's way better than what I was thinking

GrangerDanger: ???? 

GrangerDanger: what were you gonna suggest??

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: you were gonna suggest we all try to fit in one cart, weren't you?

PlatinumBitch: . . . . . . . .no

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: ya fuckin dingus

PlatinumBitch: hey listen I didn't get my regular 10 hours of beauty rest so I'm not really thinking right now ok???

CompleteLUNAtic: the train is here!!!

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: yay!!!

GrangerDanger: All Aboard the Polar Express!!!

PlatinumBitch: ????

Gred: ????

Forge: ???

GingerBoi: ???

CompleteLUNAtic: what

GrangerDanger: It's a muggle Christmas movie. Next time you all spend the day at my place I'll show it to you

GingerBoi: oh ok

PlatinumBitch: I'm excited!!! 

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: chill babe 

PlatinumBitch: I can't it's just so exciting

PlatinumBitch: yo yo we found two empty carts

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: where???

GrangerDanger: in the back. There's a professor in ours though.

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: eehhh that's ok 

GrangerDanger: his luggage says 'Professor Remus Lupin'

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: who dat

GingerBoi: oooh I bet he's the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher 

PlatinumBitch: probably 

PlatinumBitch: dude he looks like he's been running all night

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: yeah we should be quietand let him sleep

 

Some time after. . . 

 

PlatinumBitch: ummm, why are we stopping???

Gred: whoa man it's cold as balls dude

GrangerDanger: I don't know what's happening

CompleteLUNAtic: uh guys what is that???

GingerBoi: dude holy shit wyd

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: asfycjbfcjjbfcvbycgbg

GrangerDanger: WTF MAN 

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: suxbv dude sj da f hill cu jsyf

GingerBoi: ya all right mate???

GrangerDanger: he's still breathing 

PlatinumBitch: real quick what the fuck happened???

GingerBoi: Harry just got his soul taken or something idk 

GrangerDanger: Professor Lupin cast a patronus and saved him

GingerBoi: yeah it's chill now he's waking up

GingerBoi: THE TEACHER IS OFFERING HIM CHOCOLATE THAT ISN'T FAIR

GrangerDanger: he could have died

GingerBoi: BUT HE DIDN'T 

GingerBoi: Malfoy your boyfriend is fucking crazy

PlatinumBitch: why do you say that?

GingerBoi: he keeps blabbing about some lady that he heard scream

TheBoyWhoSucksDick has removed GingerBoi from the chat

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: anyone else talking shit???

Gred: no

GrangerDanger: no

PlatinumBitch: nope

CompleteLUNAtic: no

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: good we'll talk more when we get to Hogwarts 

PlatinumBitch: :*

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: ;*


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dining hall booiiii

"Potter, did you actually faint?" Malfoy teased his boyfriend as they stepped off the train. The night air was cool against Harry's face. Hagrid was far too busy ushering the first years in his direction to notice that Harry and his friends were hanging back from the group.

"Dude, whatever that thing was just tried to eat my soul." Harry was beginning to realise that every year something was going to attempt to kill him because of his status as "The Boy Who Lived".

"That thing was a Dementor. Harry's right. It was trying to suck his soul out of his body."

Oh thank God. He could always count on Hermione to back him up. 

"See? I could have died." Harry smugly looked backed at Malfoy who promptly sruck his tongue in defiance. 

"Do you guys think they'll show up here, at Hogwarts?" Neville asked. The moonlight shined on his face, which was contorted with worry.

"Now, why would they come here?"

"Because, Ron," Hermione began. "there's going to be a need for extra security now that Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban."

Ron's eyes practically bulged out of his head. He gulped "And you guys think he'll show up here? Why would he do that?"

"Because he'll be looking for me," Harry said solemnly. 

Arthur Weasley had told Harry everything. About how Sirius betrayed Lily and James Potters' trust. Harry didn't want to believe it. How could someone they thought of as a friend tell Voldemort their location? Why did he do it?

The walk to the boats was quiet as they all left Harry to his thoughts. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Neville got in one boat. Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Parkinson got in another. 

"The lake is absolutely gorgeous at night," Hermione mused.

"Yeah," Ron scoffed. "till we get eaten by the bloody monster that lives at the bottom of it."

Hermione playfully slapped his arm. "Shut up, Ron. She's sleeping."

"Let me guess," Harry interrupted with a chuckle. "in "Hogwarts: A History" it also has the exact sleeping schedule of the giant squid the resides in the lake?"

Neville and Ron laughed while Hermione looked at Harry with a smirk.

"Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't," Hermione poked a finger into Harry's chest. "You'll never know until you read it."

Harry batted her hand away. "Nice try, but you'll never get me to read that garbage."

The playful banter lasted until they had finally reached the castle, which was breathtakingly beautiful at night. The first years were frozen in place as they stared up in awe. The older kids just smiled and walked into the dining hall to be seated. They had arrived at their home away from home.

"Welcome, children," A woman's voice rang out above the excited chattering. "to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizarddry. I'm Professor McGonagall, Head of Gryffindor House. Please, follow me to the dining hall where every first year will be sorted into their respective house."

Harry loved the sorting process. It brought him so much joy to be welcomed into Gryffindor House and he knows the first years are just as excited.

"Skylar Aarons!"

Ah-ha! The first name has been called. Harry feels for the poor boy. He looks a little scared. Harry sees the hat ask him a few questions. The boy hesitates slightly before answering each one. Suddenly, the hat grows still.

"Better be. . . . HUFFLEPUFF!!" 

The Hufflepuff table cheers uproariously as they welcome the first kid of the night.

DING

Harry dug his phone out his robes. He clicked the notification as soon as he saw who sent it.

 

PlatinumBitch: look up hoe

 

Harry looked up at the Slytherin table and immediately groaned.

"Oh my God," Harry said. "Ron, Neville, Hermione. Look at my stupid boyfriend. "

All three heads collectively shot up. Immediately Ron started to laugh, quickly followed by Neville while Hermione just shook her head. Draco was dabbing at them from across the tables.

 

TheBoyWhoSucksDick: I want a divorce

PlatinumBitch: how dare you

 

"May I have your attention, Please?" Albus Dumbledore had risen from his seat. The sorting ceremony was over and it was time for home to make his yearly speech.

"Welcome, first years. I'm sure you've heard many great things about Hogwarts. I'm going to say now, that most of them are true. Although Hogwarts isn't perfect, it is the safest place you could possibly be. Therefore, in light of recent events, Azkaban will be instructing many of the Dementors that guard the prison, to now patrol Hogwarts. Do not worry. Dementors are in search of one person. They will not harm you. However, there are more rules in place of last year to better ensure your safety. I'm leaving it up to the Head of your house to inform you of them. Now. Let's introduce our teachers. Sybill Trelawney, Divination. Severus Snaps....."

"Harry! Did you hear that? Dementors! On Hogwarts' grounds." Neville was shaking his shoulder quite violently. Thankfully, Hermione stopped him abruptly.

"Harry, don't worry. You heard what Dumbledore said. They won't go after you." Hermione was speaking in a much calmer voice than Neville had been.

Harry was still unconvinced. "Then why did they go after me on the train?"

"I don't know," said Ron. "maybe you look like Sirius Black. "

"I look like the guy who killed my parents?" Harry was on still slightly upset but what Dumbledore said next brought his spirits back up.

"Our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Remus Lupin! Good luck Professor. This job seems to be cursed. And finally, Professor Silvanus Kettleburn has retired from Care of Magical Creatures so he can properly tend to his remaining limbs. So, without further ado, your new Care of Magical Creatures teacher is Rubeus Hagrid!"

All the houses started to cheer and applaud. Harry looked up at Draco, who gave him a thumbs up in response. 

"With everything out of the way," Dumbledore smiled. "Let's eat."

The feast had begun. Food appeared magically. The first years were too stunned at first to grab anything but soon fell into rhythm with the others. Harry and his friends chatted and ate until it was time to retire to the dormitories. As Harry and Ron and Neville said good night, Harry realized this was going to be the best year yet.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermione is the mom friend

GrangerDanger : Harry dear 

ScarHead: umm, yes???

GrangerDanger: your boyfriend keeps sending me memes and I can't get him to stop PLEASE HELP ME

ScarHead: I can't control him

PlatinumBitch: damn right

ScarHead: babe I love you but it's three in the morning why are you sending memes???

ScarHead: also

ScarHead: WHY THE FUCK YOU TEXTING HERMIONE?

PlatinumBitch: uh she was awake

ScarHead: !!! SO AM I!!

PlatinumBitch: I didn't know

PlatinumBitch: and before you ask, I knew Hermione was up because she's in the library

GrangerDanger: yes, I am studying like a GOOD and PURE student

FreckleDick: you set Snape on fire in our first year

ScarHead: and you brewed an illegal potion in the girl's bathroom last year

GrangerDanger: ummm??? Y'all are so ungrateful. I cannot believe this bullshit. 

GrangerDanger: Harry James Potter 

ScarHead: o shit

GrangerDanger: you would not have lasted five minutes if I hadn't brewed that polyjuice potion. 

PlatinumBitch: tru 

ScarHead: whose side are you on????

PlatinumBitch: I like to pick the winning side. So Hermione 

GrangerDanger: damn right

ScarHead: ,,, I can't believe this??? ,,,, betrayed? By my own boyfriend??!!

PlatinumBitch: babe you're the best but you're wrong almost 100% of the time

ScarHead: shut up you fucking wanker I know you bleach your fucking sideburns

PlatinumBitch: and you wear eyeliner on your top lid so???

GrangerDanger: WHAT

GrangerDanger: FOR THE PAST MONTH AND A HALF I HAVE BEEN COMPLIMENTING YOUR EYES AND SAYING HOW FUCKING AMAZING THEY ARE AND THIS WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN WEARING EYELINER??? THAT IS THE SECOND TIME YOU'VE CROSSED ME IN THIS CHAT YOUNG MAN.

FreckleDick: dude you fucked up

ScarHead: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked rn

ScarHead: also you weren't supposed to tell them that

PlatinumBitch: don't fuck with me sweaty :) 

FreckleDick: goals

PlatinumBitch: he ran out of eyeliner when he was staying at my place and his reaction was honestly the most dramatic display I've ever seen in my entire life

Gred: first of all, BIG mood

Gred: second of all, what brand do you use?

ScarHead: I refuse to answer that

PlatinumBitch: Urban Decay's 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil 

ScarHead: what the FUCK?

ScarHead: I'm never telling you anything

Gred: dude sweet that's the good shit

FreckleDick: that's that good kush

GrangerDanger: Ron shut the fuck up you don't do drugs you couldn't handle it

FreckleDick: fUCK YOU

GrangerDanger: blocked

 

FreckleDick has been removed from the chat

 

Gred: ha ha suck it bitch

 

Gred has been removed from the chat

 

GrangerDanger: anyone else???

PlatinumBitch: no I think I'll just go to sleep

ScarHead: you know what?? Me too 

GrangerDanger: a wise decision 

 

ScarHead, PlatinumBitch, and GrangerDanger have left the chat

 

Private chat between ScarHead and PlatinumBitch 

PlatinumBitch: you fucking got rekt 

ScarHead: I'm gonna kick you ass tomorrow in Hagrid's class

PlatinumBitch: try me hoe

ScarHead: the lightning bolt on my forehead represents my speed in battle fucker

PlatinumBitch: that's really stupid 

ScarHead: don't fuck with me I have the power of God AND anime on my side

 

PlatinumBitch has logged off

 

ScarHead: bich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I'm back. My uploading schedule is gonna be pretty erratic so I apologize for that but hopefully I'll have some more chapters up in the next few days. We're hosting the Thanksgiving dinner this year for the first time so everything is pretty weird. BUT I will definitely try to upload at least one or two chapters. If you want to, you can check out my Tumblr, which is swimmingnacholover. Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

ScarHead: wakey wakey fuckerssss

GrangerDanger: my alarm clock wasn't supposed to go off for another 11 minutes this better be good potter 

ScarHead: today we have Hagrid

FreckleDick: yay

FreckleDick: i'm tired

ScarHead: and I get to kick my boyfriend's ass

PlatinumBitch: honey you wish

ScarHead: fucker

PlatinumBitch: :*

GrangerDanger: gross 

ScarHead: anyways. …..

ScarHead: who's excited???

GrangerDanger: me bitch

FreckleDick: hell yeah

ScarHead: yaaassss

PlatinumBitch: eh I guess

GrangerDanger: ?????

PlatinumBitch: it hot

ScarHead: not as hot as me ;)

PlatinumBitch: 1. I want a fukcinh divorce

PlatinumBitch: 2. I'm get all sweaty and groooosssss

ScarHead: uuuhhhh, you're so whiny

PlatinumBitch: My hair will get ruined!!!

Forge: not with all that fucking hair gel you use mate

PlatinumBitch: u wanna fite???

Forge: I could easily kill you with my left foot

ScarHead: don't kill him

PlatinumBitch: aw thx bb

ScarHead: I have to kick his ass first

PlatinumBitch: >:( rUDe 

GrangerDanger: is it okay if I add a couple people???

ScarHead: sure

GrangerDanger has added GAYmusFinningan and dean 

GAYmusFinnigan: wazzup???

dean: /sigh/

GAYmusFinnigan: ;)

FreckleDick: hey guys what's up?

dean: we're heading to breakfast hopefully sometime soon

GAYmusFinnigan: yoooo

GAYmusFinnigan: Quidditch starts in three daysssss

ScarHead: YESSSSS

PlatinumBitch: HELL YEAH

ScarHead: dean are you going to be the commentator this year too???

dean: yeah

PlatinumBitch: dude McGonagall always yells at you for saying savage shit

FreckleDick: yeah why did she pick you again???

GAYmusFinnigan: uummm,,,, because my boyfriend is savage af and McGonagall secretly fucking loves it

dean: hey Seamus???

GAYmusFinnigan: yeah???

dean: do you remember the talk we had yesterday about how we weren't going to tell anyone we were dating yet?

GAYmusFinnigan: oh

GAYmusFinnigan: oH 

GAYmusFinnigan: OH 

GAYmusFinnigan: fUCK sorry babe

dean: it's ok

ScarHead: aawww that is precious

FreckleDick: congrats dudes

GrangerDanger: I'm so happy for you guys!!!

PlatinumBitch: NO

PlatinumBitch: ABSOLUTELY NOT

PlatinumBitch: THERE'S ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE ONE SICKENINGLY ADORABLE GAY COUPLE IN THIS GROUP CHAT AND THAT IS ME AND HARRY

PlatinumBitch: that's it we just have to have a competition to find out who the cutest couple is

ScarHead: Draco no

GAYmusFinnigan: be prepared to lose sweaty :) :) 

dean: Seamus no

PlatinumBitch: do you know what you've unleashed upon yourself 

ScarHead: Draco no

GAYmusFinnigan: can't be anything terrifying if it's coming from someone who probably dyes their pubes

dean: seAMUS 

PlatinumBitch: awww, are you upset because somebody stole all your lucky charms???

GAYmusFinnigan: did daddy not buy you the latest Firebolt???

PlatinumBitch: no but I have something far better to ride. How bout you, sweetheart?

GAYmusFinnigan has left the chat

PlatinumBitch: 200 points to Slytherin bitch

 

\-----

 

Harry sighed deeply as he put away his phone. Of all the people his boyfriend had to pick a fight with, it had to be somebody who slept PRECISELY TO THE RIGHT OF HARRY.

“Oh my God, that's DISGUSTING! Harry, what the fuck?” Seamus was loudly voicing his disgust at Draco’s comment. 

“Harry, that's fucking gay.” Seamus laughed. 

“Dude. YOU'RE fucking gay.” Dean's response prompted Seamus to throw a pillow at him, which completely missed and hit Ron instead.

“Bloody Hell,” Ron cried, “watch where you throw that ruddy thing!”

Ron threw a pillow back at Seamus and soon they had gotten up and started hitting the other clumsily. It lasted for a good minute before Harry and Dean broke them apart.

“Alright ladies, let's quit the bickering and head to Great Hall and get some breakfast. How's that sound?” Dean asked.

At the mention of the word ‘breakfast’, Seamus turned to lock at with his boyfriend, smiling wildly, before grabbing his hand and dragging him to the Great Hall. Harry and Ron were left with the task of making everyone's bed before they could go eat. 

“Dude,” Ron spoke, “I can't believe how savage your boyfriend is.”

“Man, he's like that constantly. I cannot, for the life of me, get him to shut the fuck up.”

“Well,” Ron replied as he clapped Harry on the back, “the dude is pretty funny, man. Maybe you should just let him talk until he gets himself into trouble.”

“I'm honestly surprised that that hasn't happened already.” 

“Yeah, we all are. Now let's go join Seamus and Dean. I'm starving.” said Ron. Harry smiled as his friend raced out the door, not bothering to wait for Harry as he finished putting his robes on.

Harry quietly walked down the staircases and into the hallway where he could already hear the loud and rowdy voices of his fellow students. As he opened the doorway to the Great Hall, the volume of the voices increased and Harry made a face of slight displeasure. Harry scanned the Gryffindor table and saw Ron and Hermione waving to him, having already saved him a plate and a seat.

As he walked towards the table, he stole a glance towards Slytherin table where he saw Draco was blowing him kisses. Harry rolled his eyes as he finally got to his seat.

DING!

Harry pulled out his phone.

 

\---

PlatinumBitch: how's it feel to be snogging a winner??

ScarHead: I wouldn't know. my boyfriend is an insufferable git

PlatinumBitch: wow!! Bitch! Really rude!!

ScarHead: you know it's true :* :*

PlatinumBitch: yeah 

PlatinumBitch: but I'm like super hot so it doesn't matter

ScarHead: whatever loser

PlatinumBitch: hey at least we have first hour together

ScarHead: but it's potions

ScarHead: taught by Snape 

PlatinumBitch: don't worry I'll be there to protect you

PlatinumBitch: am I the only who notices that his hair just gets greasier every year???

ScarHead: it really does. Does he even bathe?

PlatinumBitch: hey guess what?

ScarHead: What????

PlatinumBitch: I love u

ScarHead: dude ,,,,,, that's gay

PlatinumBitch: bye bb

ScarHead: lol bye babe

\---

“So Harry,” said Hermione, “how smug is your boyfriend being?”

“As annoying as he always is.” Harry picked up his utensil and began eating his scrambled eggs.

Hermione grabbed his phone and read the exchanged messages.

“‘How's it feel to be snogging a winner?’ Oh my God, he's so full of himself!” Hermione laughed as she Harry back his phone.

“Don't I know it.” Harry said. He was finishing up his eggs when Seamus spoke up. 

“Who's ready to stare Snape’s ugly face for the next hour?” he asked.

Every Gryffindor third year within ear shot let out a very upset groan.

“Dude, I don't need to think about that. I'm still trying to eat.” said someone from further down the table, causing everyone to laugh.

“Yeah, man. I see him enough in my nightmares.” replied Neville. 

Hermione gave everyone a pointed look. “What if one of the other professors hears us?”

“Hermione,” Harry said, “I'm almost certain that every other professor hates Snape’s guts.”

“We could still get into a lot of trouble!” Hermione replied worriedly.

Seamus cleared his throat and gave his best Snape impression in response. “Good evening maggots. I'm Professor Snape and I make first years wet themselves just by looking at them. 50 points to Slytherin.”

Ron joined in. “Harry Potter did you just look in my general direction? 150 points from Gryffindor!”

The table erupted into raucous laughter as everyone began badly impersonating Snape.

“I'm Professor Snape and my hair is greasier than McDonald's food.”

“I'm Professor Snape and I haven't bathed in 19 years.”

Harry eventually caved and tried his hand at it. “I'm Professor Snape and I have no idea what deodorant is.”

It was at that moment that somebody cleared their throat behind him. Harry outwardly winced and slowly turned around.

Professor Lupin was looking down at him with his eyebrows raised. There was a tense silence as the third years all stole glances to one another, waiting to hear their punishments. Instead, Professor Lupin smiled.

“I'm Professor Snape and I've worked here for years yet I STILL couldn't beat Professor Lupin for the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.”

As Professor Lupin walked away, the table was silent. Until, finally, one student cracked and began to laugh. Soon the entire Gryffindor table joined and Harry looked at Hermione.

“See? What'd I tell you?” Harry had tears in his eyes while Ron was practically as red in the face as his hair. 

Hermione was gaping. “I-I can't believe that just happened.”

Once the laughter had died down, they all packed their stuff and started heading towards the dungeons to Snape’s class.

Before Harry could fully reach his seat, Draco grabbed Harry by his shoulders and stopped him.

“Hey, what was all that laughter about at Gryffindor table?” Draco asked. 

Harry got into his seat and Draco got in his. Harry opened his mouth to explain. Just then, the door slammed open and in sauntered Professor Snape, in all his atrocious glory.

Harry whispered to Draco. “I'll tell you when class is over.”

“Potter!” roared Snape. Harry quickly turned to face him. “Talking in class are we? 10 points from Gryffindor.”

Harry made eye contact with Dean and Seamus as they all three tried not to laugh. Oh this was going to be a long hour.


	6. Chapter Six

PlatinumBitch: dude

PlatinumBitch: he doesn't shut the fuck up

ScarHead: I knowwww

GrangerDanger: did you guys even pay attention???

ScarHead: no???

PlatinumBitch: why should we???

GrangerDanger: !!! You need an education!!!

ScarHead: not from him

PlatinumBitch: everytime he talks I die a little inside

ScarHead: he poisons our brains

GrangerDanger: the subject is still important

ScarHead: uuugghhh

PlatinumBitch: ok we'll listen next time Mom

GrangerDanger: don't sass me, young man

ScarHead: ground him 

PlatinumBitch: ummmmm???? Fucking excuse you??

ScarHead: do it

GrangerDanger: Draco

GrangerDanger: You're grounded. 

PlatinumBitch: this is bullshit

PlatinumBitch: my father's gonna be hearing about this

ScarHead: yeah whatever

PlatinumBitch: I'm not talking to you 

ScarHead: you just did

PlatinumBitch: fucker

ScarHead: :*

 

PlatinumBitch has sent a photo

 

ScarHead: FUCK YOU TOO

PlatinumBitch: you deserve that shit you piece of garbage

ScarHead: betrayed,,,,by my own bf,,,

ScarHead: how could this have happened?

PlatinumBitch: cuz ur a lil bitch

ScarHead: um which of us has ‘Bitch’ in their username???

PlatinumBitch: that's different

ScarHead: How??

PlatinumBitch: because I am a Boss Ass Bitch and you are a common peasant that can't see for shit and can only use a disarm spell when dueling 

GrangerDanger: shcyvhncudgh

GrangerDanger: you are officially ungrounded malfoy

GrangerDanger: and you're my favourite now

ScarHead: un-fucking-believable

GrangerDanger: he's not wrong

ScarHead: yeah I know 

ScarHead: but still!!!

FreckleDick: I feel like Draco should be the chosen one specifically because he could just roast voldebutt for an hour and everything would be over

GrangerDanger: rt

ScarHead: rt

PlatinumBitch: I feel loved

PlatinumBitch: and it's a strange feeling 

PlatinumBitch: stop it 

GrangerDanger: :*

ScarHead: ;*

ScarHead: HEY WAIT A MINUTE

 

GrangerDanger has left the chat 

PlatinumBitch has left the chat 

 

ScarHead: you little shits 

\--

 

PlatinumBitch: OMG

PlatinumBitch: GUYS YOU AREN'T GOING TO BELIEVE THIS SHIIIITTT 

ScarHead: we're listening 

GrangerDanger: go ahead

PlatinumBitch: OK SO YOU KNOW HOW PANSY IS ALMOST AS SAVAGE AS ME??? WELL I THINK SHE BEAT ME JUST NOW AND I'M COMPLETELY FINE WITH IT

ScarHead: what happened???

PlatinumBitch: SOME 6TH YEAR WAS BITCHING ABOUT THE SMELL OF THE PLANTS THAT MS. SPROUT WAS TELLING US ABOUT AND PANSY LOOKS HER DEAD IN THE EYE AND SAYS “Are you sure it's the plant that you're smelling and not your stank breath?”

ScarHead: OMG

PlatinumBitch: IT GETS BETTER BECAUSE THE GIRL WAS LIKE “No, I think it might actually be the stench of your brain overworking itself while desperately trying to understand this subject :)” AND PANSY JUST PUTS DOWN HER PLANT AND SAYS “At least my brain makes an effort. Unlike yours, which is too busy trying to figure out who's dick is gonna be down your throat tonight :):):)”

ScarHead: holy shit

PlatinumBitch: I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING BUT THAT COMMENT COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY BRAIN AND I STOOD THERE GAWKING LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT

GrangerDanger: add Pansy to the chat

PlatinumBitch: I'M ON IT

 

PlatinumBitch has added QueenBitch to the group chat 

QueenBitch: bow down peasants

GrangerDanger: I cannot believe I've never talked to you

GrangerDanger: you sound like my new best friend

QueenBitch: hell yeah

PlatinumBitch: I'm completely fine with giving over my ‘Most Savage Being to Ever Exist’ award to you god bless

PlatinumBitch: marry me

ScarHead: OMG yes 

PlatinumBitch: not you hoe

QueenBitch: sure 

ScarHead: WTF!!!

ScarHead: so rUDe

GrangerDanger: I have to agree with Potter on this one 

ScarHead: Thank you!!!

GrangerDanger: if anyone's going to marry her then it's going to be me

ScarHead: !!!

QueenBitch: I'll marry both of you

PlatinumBitch: that works

GrangerDanger: yass 

ScarHead: HEY

ScarHead: I need love too

PlatinumBitch: go find Ron 

Scarhead: fuck you

PlatinumBitch: shove it up your ass

QueenBitch: Harry would you like to marry me too?

ScarHead: that would be lovely

QueenBitch: OK then it's settled

QueenBitch: we will marry each other when we graduate

PlatinumBitch: I get to be the only one to wear a wedding dress

QueenBitch: why???

PlatinumBitch: I'm the best looking one in this relationship???

ScarHead: tru ^

GrangerDanger: tru ^

QueenBitch: …..

Queenbitch: alright tru ^

PlatinumBitch: Yay!!!

PlatinumBitch: also I need a crown

PlatinumBitch: and heels

PlatinumBitch: and a VERY elegant veil, a 6 tier cake, at least 500 guests, all chocolate desserts I'll kill you all if there's even one vanilla flavoured treat there, the colours will be green and silver in honour of my beauty, you guys will already be at the altar in black suit with emerald green highlights as I am carried into the church in a cleopatra style platform by four Ravenclaw alumni carrying it on the right, and four Hufflepuff alumni carrying it on the left. At the end of the wedding, this year's graduating class (plus Fred, George and Angelina) will all fly above us on brooms and sprinkle glitter down on us. 

ScarHead: this is a lot

GrangerDanger: . ……

QueenBitch: too much work we're divorcing you 

PlatinumBitch: What!!!

PlatinumBitch: we haven't even married yet!!!

QueenBitch: too late it's official

PlatinumBitch: I cannot believe the betrayal……

PlatinumBitch: how could you guys???

PlatinumBitch: I like feeling like a princess too ya know

ScarHead: we know

GrangerDanger: we know

QueenBitch: you constantly act like very spoiled royalty

PlatinumBitch: because I deserve to be spoiled!!!

PlatinumBitch: potter 

PlatinumBitch: they're being so rude to me 

ScarHead: 1. You had it coming. 2. How's it feel bitchface???

PlatinumBitch: I will slap you 

ScarHead: don't miss me with that gay shit

GrangerDanger: pulverize me with that gay shit

ScarHead: ^ Hermione gets it

QueenBitch: …..is this what it's like all the time???

GrangerDanger: yes

ScarHead: yes

PlatinumBitch:

Gred: yeah

FreckleDick: pretty much

NevilleGonnaGiveYouUp: yea

QueenBitch: 

QueenBitch: Perfect

 

\---

 

QueenBitch: heeeyyy

QueenBitch: can I add someone???

PlatinumBitch: sure

 

QueenBitch has added 420BlaiseIt to the chat

420BlaiseIt: aaaaaayyyyyy what up???

ScarHead: that name ROCKS

PlatinumBitch: that name SUCKS

PlatinumBitch: ….really babe???

ScarHead: it's a great name!!

GrangerDanger: CHRIS, IS T HAT A WEED??? I'M CALLING THE POLICE. 9/11 WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY???

FreckleDick: oh my god

QueenBitch: MARY, IS THAT A POLICE??? I'M CALLING THE WEED. 420, WHATCHU SMOKING?

Gred: gOD

PlatinumBitch: look at what you did @420BlaiseIt 

420BlaiseIt: Im not sorry

PlatinumBitch: I know

GrangerDanger: but seriously, did you guys hear that there might be a Vine 2.0???

QueenBitch: it's gonna be lit bitchhhh 

PlatinumBitch: I HOPE YOU'RE NOT KIDDING WE NEED VINE BACK

ScarHead: I AGREE

GrangerDanger: nothing else can fill the Vine shaped hole in my Vine shaped heart

QueenBitch: I'm excited 

ScarHead: how did you guys find out???

QueenBitch: it's a lonnng story

ScarHead: “to make a long fucking story short, I put a whole bag of jellybeans up my ass”

PlatinumBitch: STOP CORRUPTING MY BF!!! YOU HEATHENS

NevilleGonnaGiveYouUp: “YOU BETTER STOP!!”

PlatinumBitch: Neville I stg 

PlatinumBitch: I'm already late for Lupin’s class

PlatinumBitch: potter make up some excuse for me

ScarHead: you got it bb 

PlatinumBitch: brb sprinting

 

\---

 

PlatinumBitch: I'M HERE BITCHES

ScarHead: yay!

PlatinumBitch: only one exclamation mark???

Scarhead: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ScarHead: satisfied???

PlatinumBitch: yes

ScarHead: oops Lupin just walked in ttyl

PlatinumBitch: yea I see him ttyl

Scarhead: :*

PlatinumBitch: ;*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot I was writing something and I am very sorry. Please forgive me but I hope this chapter makes up for it somewhat???


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!! I'm back to writing this garbo

Professor Lupin closed the classroom door with a wave of his wand. He walked to his desk as he addressed the rambunctious students. 

“Please line up single file at the front of the classroom so we may begin our lesson.” He said kindly.

Harry made an attempt to make it to the front of the line but was easily thwarted by Draco, who pulled him to the very back. He was slightly disappointed until he heard what he and his fellow classmates would be facing.

“Boggarts.” said Lupin as he revealed a large wardrobe from underneath a sheet. “Can anyone tell me what a Boggart is?”

Naturally, Hermione immediately raised her hand and moved past Harry to be in a position where the professor could see her. 

“A Boggart is a shapeshifter that takes the shape of that which is most feared by the unlucky person encountering it.” she spoke clearly. 

“Very good!” Lupin praised. “Now tell me, what does it look like in its natural form?” 

“No one really knows for sure, professor. But some tend to believe it just looks like a huge blob.” she finished with smirk.

“Ha ha, well done!” the professor laughed. “50 points to Gryffindor!”

Hermione’s house members clapped and cheered at that. Hermione grinned and swiftly moved back to join Harry, Draco and Ron.

“Oi, Hermione. Why didn't you walk to class with us?” Ron inquired.

Hermione looked nervously at the ground then spoke, “I needed to talk to Professor McGonagall about my class schedules.”

“Oh, okay.” Ron said as he furrowed his brows. “We could have gone wi-”

“I didn't want to make you guys late.” Hermione cut Ron's sentence short with a huff. “Now be quiet. The professor is still talking.”

Harry and Ron shared a puzzled look before focusing their attention back to the lesson. Lupin had just called Neville to stand in front of the wardrobe. 

“Neville,” addressed Lupin. “what do you fear the most?”

Neville gulped loudly, and spoke in an inaudible whisper “.....”

“I'm sorry, my boy. I didn't quite catch that. Say again?” Lupin put his hand on Neville’s shoulder encouragingly. 

“I-I said Professor Snape.” Neville said.

A few giggles were heard from around the classroom. Professor Lupin glared at the offenders and they quickly went quiet.

“Well, I don't blame you,” said the professor as he looked Neville in the eyes. “He's very terrifying to look at.”

Neville gave Lupin a weak smile.

“Now, Neville, I'm going to open this door and when Snape walk out, I want you to think of something funny,” said Professor Lupin gently. “do you think you can do that for me?”

“Funny?” Neville asked. “Like-like what, sir?”

“Come here.” the professor beckoned Neville to him so that he could whisper in his ear. Neville looked slightly anxious as he was sent back to his previous spot.

“When I open this door, think of that image and say ‘Riddikulus!’” Lupin gripped the door handle. “The best way to defeat a Boggart is with laughter. On my count, one. Two. Three.”

The door flew open. The Professor Snape imposter slowly creeped out of the wardrobe. If this was a fake, it was a damn good one. It had everything down pat. From the greasy hair to the crooked nose to the slightly uneven posture with which Snape always stood. The creature seemed to take in its surroundings for awhile. Its beady eyes wandered before they finally came to rest upon Neville’s shaking form. It scowled at him before taking a few steps forward, hoping to scare him out of his wits. It didn't work.

Neville cleared his throat, concentrated, then shouted, “Riddikulus!”

Suddenly, the creature staggered backwards as it's clothes began to change into that of a very old woman.

“Aw, no way!” Seamus exclaimed in disbelief. “Snape’s wearing Neville’s Grandmother's clothes!”

The entire classroom couldn't contain their laughter as they all took in the sight. “Snape” was looking at himself somewhat embarrassed and exasperated. As the students calmed down, Lupin spoke up.

“So,” he said. “who wants to go next?”

Everyone clambered their way to the front. Unfortunately, only one person could go at a time and that person right now, was Ron Weasley. 

The Boggart looked at Ron and quickly changed into a much more terrifying form. Ron whimpered as Aragog, an Acromantula, appeared before him. The spiders pincers were snapping and dripping with venom as it moved towards him. Ron just about lost his nerve but recovered almost immediately. 

“Riddikulus!”

The spider was moving uncontrollably, as it had now acquired roller skates on all eight legs. The class applauded and the next student stepped up. 

Parma Patil’s fear of snakes was cured when she turned it into a giant Jack-in-the-Box. Dean Thomas caused a living disembodied hand to get caught in a mousetrap. Seamus Finnigan made a banshee lose her voice.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, it was Harry's turn. He had been mulling it over in his mind. What was he afraid of? Voldemort? Heights? The creature in the Hogwarts lake? Harry was fully expecting any one of these. But when he came face to face with the Boggart, his blood ran cold. There, only eight feet away, was a Dementor. It flew at him and Harry couldn't move. He felt like he was stuck in a nightmare. He kept staring at the monster and it's horrific lack of eyes. 

Harry attempted to raise his wand, but the professor pushed him out of the way. The creature turned to Lupin and transformed once more. This time, it was in the shape of a full moon. 

“Riddikulus!” shouted Lupin. The moon morphed into a balloon that swiftly deflated and flew around the room.

“Alright, class. That's all for today's lesson.” Lupin declared. “Pack your belongings and quietly read chapter one of your textbook until time to go.”

Harry slowly made his way to his seat. He wasn't prepared for what just happened and that made him upset. Draco gave him an apologetic look and reached over to squeeze Harry's hand briefly before returning it to his own desk. Harry opened his textbook but couldn't bring himself to focus on the words in front of him. He barely heard the bell signalling the end of class.

Harry gathered his things deliberately and hurried out the door to Hagrid's class. Ron and Draco struggled to keep up.

“Slow down, would ya mate?” said Ron. “It's not a race.”

“Yeah,” agreed Draco, slightly out of breath. “what he said.”

“Harry,” Ron spun his friend to face him. “please don't blame yourself for what happened.”

“Yeah, the professor was the one who stopped you.” Draco said. 

“I still wasn't ready,” Harry spoke finally. “I shouldn't have froze like that.”

“Harry, babe, we were all facing our worst fears,” Draco said as he grabbed Harry by the shoulders. “Ron froze, too. So did Dean and Seamus and all of the others. It wasn't just you.”

Harry sighed, “I guess you're right.”

“Honey, I'm never wrong.” responded Draco. “Now let's get Hagrid's and find out what we're doing today.”

The trio ran to Hagrid's hut as fast as possible, smiling all the while. Still, Harry couldn't quite erase the feeling of failure from the back of his mind. As they reached the hut, Harry had come to a decision. He didn't want to be caught off guard like that again. He'll have Professor Lupin teach him how to ward off Dementors. He'll be ready next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have any questions (or complaints) you can put them in the comments section or you can send me an ask on my Tumblr of the same name.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco and Ron get into a fight and Harry and Crew meet the blast ended skrewts.

HeirofSlytherin: Yooo, wtf is Hagrid talking about???

GrangerDanger: U ummm, need to get off your phone and listen???

HeirofSlytherin: bitch why are you on yours??

GrangerDanger: fuck you that's why

HeirofSlytherin: what!!!

FreckleDick: ha suck it malfoy

HeirofSlytherin: capitalize my fucking name bitch

Freckledick: make me you stupid fuckass

HeirofSlytherin: come over here and say that to my face sweatie :):)

QueenBitch: kick his ass 

HeirofSlytherin: wait who are you rooting for???

QueenBitch: whoever actually knows how to fight

QueenBitch: Hagrid is leaving to go check on the creatures now's your chance

\------

Draco tucked his phone silently into his pocket. He looked across the horde of students and saw Ron smirk as he made his way over to Malfoy. He glared at Ron as he tried to intimidatingly roll up his sleeves.

“Oy! Bleach Head! We fighting or what?” Ron questioned.

Malfoy smiled in response. “Yeah, sure, if you're in such a hurry to get your ass handed to you.”

The other kids had begun crowding them, forming a somewhat oval shaped enclosure. Half of the sea of children was chanting “Weasley! Weasley!” while the other half was chanting “Malfoy! Malfoy!”.

Hermione was anxiously twirling a stray curl around her finger while Pansy starting filming the fight on her phone.

“Throw some punches!” Pansy yelled at the boys, who currently appeared to be dancing circles around each other. Malfoy moved towards Ron but then quickly stepped back.

“What if Hagrid comes back in the middle of this?” Hermione asked. “We could get in so much trouble.”

“Pfft,” Pansy scoffed. “Quit worrying. If they keep prancing around like idiots then there’s no way Hagrid will think they were fighting. Besides, we had nothing to do with this.”

Pansy winked at Hermione as she finally glanced back to the fight. Just when Pansy opened her mouth to speak, Ron’s right fist connected with Malfoy’s jaw. The force of the blow sent him hurling towards the ground and onto his ass.

“FUCKING FINALLY,” Pansy shouted. “KICK HIS ASS, DRACO!”

The cheering increased in volume as Draco stood up and advanced towards Ron. He faked right and his fist hit Ron right in the ribs. While Ron was busy trying to catch his breath, Draco tackled him to the ground. The scuffle ended up with Ron on top.

Harry, who had been so busy caught up in his own thoughts, finally spoke.

“Hey, Hermione, Pansy,” Harry looked at the girls. “Who do you guys think is gonna win?”

They briefly glanced at each other before turning to Harry and answering. “Ron.”

“But, Pansy, you were cheering for Draco just a few minutes ago.”

“I just wanted him to feel like people believed in him”

Harry’s response was cut short by Draco calling his name.

Harry looked back at his boyfriend, who was still pinned to the ground. His nose was bloody and his robes were torn at the shoulder.

“I'M FIGHTING FOR YOUR HONOR!”

Harry rolled his eyes and smiled. “Thanks, babe.”

Draco gave a weak thumbs up and tried to push Ron off of him to no avail. He shoved his hand in Ron’s face, hoping to distract him. Ron responded by biting Draco’s hand.

Harry lowered his voice and spoke to girls once more. “He is getting his ass fucking handed to him.”

“I am so sorry, Harry, but your boyfriend is a real loser.” came a familiar voice from behind them. Dean was looking down at them while Seamus was making bets with the Slytherin third years.

Harry sighed. “Yeah, but he's my loser.”

By now, Draco had finally managed to get out from under Ron and quickly scrambled to his feet. But before they could do anything else, a panicked voice rang out: “Hagrid's coming!!”

Everyone hurried to spread apart and act natural, as if they weren't just screaming and cheering like they were rooting for some ruthless gladiator.

“What was all that noise?” Hagrid asked. He looked down at the crowd. He pointed to Ron and Draco. “Blimey, what ‘appened to the two o’ ya?”

Ron and Draco looked at each other, their shirts were torn and covered in dirt, their hair was messed up, and Draco’s nose was bloody and swollen.

“Uummm,” Ron was the first to speak. “We fell...on the way to class.”

“Yeah,” Draco was quick to respond. “We were joking around and Ron tripped and grabbed onto me as some kind of support.”

“But it didn't work and he fell right on top of me.”

Hagrid didn't look too convinced. “Why's his nose all bloody?”

“Uhm, I-”

“He was attacked by a squirrel,” said Ron quickly. “While he was on the ground.”

Draco gave Ron a semi-threatening glance as Hagrid slowly nodded in understanding.

“Yeh, I could believe that,” he said. “Squirrels are some right nasty little buggers, I'll tell ya that.”

Hagrid beckoned the kids to follow him into the woods. Draco glared at Ron as he smirked triumphantly.

“I suggest, Malfoy, that you quit trying to explode my mind via telepathy because I just saved your ass.”

Draco looked like smoke was going to begin billowing out of his ears at any minute. Before he could throttle Ron, however, he was thwarted by his boyfriend, who had tears streaming down his face from laughing so hard.

“Babe, why didn't you tell me you were attacked by a squirrel?” Harry asked.

“Unless the squirrel has red hair and an insufferable cocky attitude, then I don't know what you're going on about.” Draco retorted. “He's lucky Hagrid arrived when he did.”

“Oh yeah? Why's that, babe?”

“Because I had him right where I wanted him.” Draco replied with a half-assed smile on his face.

Harry rolled his eyes and playfully hit the back of Draco’s head. “Yeah, sure you did.”

The couple walked the rest of the way talking amongst themselves. The class walked deeper into the forest, admiring the trees that loomed above. The leaves had begun to shed their leaves and the air was colder.  
Hagrid was explaining the proper way to care for Blast-Ended Skrewts, which was a creature that Harry had never heard of before. As they reached their destination, Hagrid quieted the class and left to grab the creatures. 

 

HeirofSlytherin: hey Hermione 

GrangerDanger: what do you want now??

HeirofSlytherin: what The Fuck is a blast ended skrewt?

GrangerDanger: I

Grangerdanger: have no fucking idea

HeirofSlytherin: what

GrangerDanger: i’ve never heard of these things 

HeirofSlytherin: what? the fuck?

HeirofSytherin: WHY DOES HAGRID HAVE THEM???

HeirofSlytherin: WHERE DID HE GET THEM???

HeirofSlytherin: !!! he’s back!

 

“A’right class,” Hagrid said. “These are the Blast-Ended Skrewts I was tellin” ya about. Aren’ they jus’ gorgeous?”

The Blast-Ended Skrewts, in Harry’s opinion, were one of the most horrifying things he had laid eyes on. They were pale and slimy and looked somewhat like a horribly deformed scorpion. They were only about six inches long and had many legs sticking out at odd angles. Harry breathed in and quickly found out that they also smelled quite strongly like rotten fish. 

The rest of the class was gagging or covering their noses. Draco ran behind a tree and threw up while some Slytherin kid fainted. 

“E-excuse me, Hagrid,” said Hermione. “But what are these…things exactly?”

Hagrid beamed. “They’re jus’ a little somethin’ of my creation.”

“What?”

“Yeh heard me right,” Hagrid responded. “They’re what yeh get when you breed a Manticore and a Fire Crab.”

The students were quiet. Some of them looked at hagrid like he was crazy and others looked at the creatures with terror.

“You...bred these things?” Draco asked incredulously.

Hagrid grinned. “I sure did.”

“Wait,” Hermione realized. “‘Fire Crabs?’ Does that mean these things can breathe fire?”

As if to answer Hermione’s question, sparks flew out some of their rear ends and propelled them forward towards the class. The students tripped over themselves trying to quickly back away. Draco and Harry shared a look.

“Are these monsters gonna fucking kill us?” Draco whispered to his boyfriend, who just shrugged in response.

“I hope not.” Harry said. “That’d be embarrassing. I can survive Voldemort but I get killed by the bastard child of a Manticore and a Fire Crab? That would fucking suck.”

Draco snorted. “I think it’d be funny. Voldemort would have a cow.”

“Yeah,” said Hermione. “Some illegitimate animal did what he couldn’t do when you were a baby.”

The trio laughed under their breath as Hagrid finished counting the students and the Skrewts. Harry’s phone pinged. Ron had just said something in the group chat.

 

FreckleDick: not to be dramatic or anything, but i would literally rather DIE than go near those things like what The Entire FUCK?

GrangerDanger: ^rt

QueenBitch: rt

ScarHead: rt

HeirofSlytherin: rt

HeirofSlytherin: why did hagrid think this was a good idea? 

HeirofSlytherin: does he actually expect us to take care of them all semester? 

GrangerDanger: maybe they won’t be so bad

GrangerDanger: nvm one just stung that kid over there NO THANKS HAGRID

QueenBitch: it’s a fucking monstrosity 

QueenBitch: it looks cool tho

HeirofSlytherin: they could kill you??

QueenBitch: i wanna touch 

HeirofSlytherin: bad idEA BAD IDEA PANSY

QueenBitch: TRY AND STOP ME PUSSY

ScarHead: RIP in peace

GrangerDanger: ….is she actually gonna ask to hold one?

FreckleDick: badass

ScarHead: she’s holding one i cannot believe

HeirofSlytherin: oh m y GOD she took a selfir with it i cnat

 

QueenBitch sent an attachment>>>

 

ScarHead: it’s even uglier when captured on film!!! WTF!!!

HeirofSlytherin: yeah and the Blast Ended skrewt is pretty hideous too haha

QueenBitch: excuse me? :):):)

HeirofSlytherin: *sweats* nothing. forget i said anything

QueenBitch: that’s what i thought bitch

ScarHead: why didn’t you just fucking throw that thing when you had the chance?

HeirofSlytherin: this bitch ugly

HeirofSlytherin: yEET

QueenBitch: that requires effort

QueenBitch: and i hate putting in effort

HeirofSlytherin: that’s v tru she doesn’t do shit

GrangerDanger: Hagrid is coming this way

HeirofSlytherin: SHIT thx

GrangerDanger: u welcome bb

 

Hagrid strolled over to the group of friends and held out his hands. In each one there was a Blast-Ended Skrewt. One had an enormous stinger and the other appeared to have a sucker. Hagrid pointed to the one with the stinger and told them that he was a male and they typically had very foul tempers and would sting you unprovoked. The one with the sucker, the female, couldn’t outright sting you, but if you got close enough, it would latch on and start sucking your blood.  
Draco made a face of utter disgust and backed away from Hagrid ever so slightly. Hermione looked terrified, Ron and Pansy looked interested, and Harry was still trying to figure out how Hagrid got the Manticore to even think about mating with a Fire Crab. Whether or not he used magic, the resulting animal was absolutely repulsive.

Hagrid ended the class and as everyone was gathering their belongings, Draco and Harry were busy discussing ways to avoid hagrid’s class for the rest of the year. Hermione walked over.

“You two don’t honestly think you can get out of this, do you?” she asked. “I mean, there’s no way you could possibly expect that Hagrid won’t notice.”

“Just tell him that we’re visiting Madame Pomfrey.” replied Draco.

“For the remainder of the year?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Harry responded. “Tell him we’ve got this illness that only flares up during his class time.”

“You guys are so stupid.” 

“Yeah,” replied Draco. “But you love us anyway.”

“I tolerate you is more like it.”

Draco put a hand to his chest and gasped dramatically. He started to rant about how he’s underappreciated and that no one loves him. Harry and Hermione walked away while Draco was monologuing and left him to his own devices. He quickly realized and caught up to the duo and joined them on their walk to their next class.

 

Gryffindor Dorm Room

Hogwarts Groupchat 2:43 AM

 

HeirpofSlytherin: look for the

HeirofSlytherin: bare necessities 

HeirofSlytherin: the simple bare necessities  
HeirofSlytherin: forget about your worries and your strife

HeirofSlytherin: I MEAN THE BARE NECESSITIES 

HeirofSlytherin: THAT’S WHY A BEAR CAN REST AT EASE WITH JUST THE BARE NECESSITIES OF LIFE

ScarHead: GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP GODDAMN

FreckleDick: what’s wrong with you man?

HeirofSlytherin: whoa whoa whoa why are yall awake???

GAYmusFinnigan: cuz you fuckin woke us up you dick

FreckleDick: why,,,

FreckleDick: are u singing the bare necessities at 2am in the morning??

HeirofSlytherin: 2am in the morning 

FreckleDick: i know what the fuck i said you little bitch

HeirofSlytherin: i had that song stuck in my head and i couldn’t get rid of it so i decided to sing it in the groupchat. I didn’t think it would wake u guys up

GAYmusFinnigan: how the fuck could it not???

HeirofSlytherin: idk man im fukin tired as shit

GAYmusFinnigan: then go??? To sleep??

HeirofSlytherin: ic an’t for some reason

ScarHead: well we can so good night

 

ScarHead removed HeirofSlytherin from Hogwarts Groupchat

 

FreckleDick: FUCKIN SAVAGE

GAYmusFinnigan: rekt

 

Slytherin Dorm Room

“.....that fucking asshole.” Draco muttered. “I am gonna kill him tomorrow.”

Crabbe rolled over in his bed and threw a pillow in Draco’s direction. “Go t’ sleep, man.”

Draco threw the pillow back at Crabbe and pulled the covers over his head. He listened to the dull snores of Crabbe and Goyle as he counted sheep. Eventually, it was enough to lull him into sleep and he drifted off to dreamland while humming along to "The Bare Necessities".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guess who finally got a laptop and can actually work more on this fic??? That's right, it's me!! I'm sorry that this took so long but there's been a lot of personal issues that I've been dealing with as of late and i just didn't have the motivation to continue for a while. BUT! I have a computer now and I don't have to upload from my phone anymore which is great. I hated trying to type long chapters on my phone. It annoyed me and made me cut the chapters short which was something I didn't want to do. But I am back in business baby!!! I may not respond to all the comments but just know that i see them and they make me smile and i'm gonna try to keep you guys happy. Until next time! Bye!


	9. Chapter Nine

Tuesday, October 12th

 

HeirofSlytherin: hey i have 

HeirpfSlytherin: a question

ScarHead: oh dear

GrangerDanger: here we fuckin go

HeirofSlytherin: if i were to have sex with a mermaid from the lake, is that considered bestiality?

GrangerDanger: yes

FreckleDick: no

GrangerDanger: HOW IS IT NOT 

FreckleDick: cuz it’s half human duh

FreckleDick: same logic applies with centaurs

FreckleDick: mermaids/centaurs are people too

GrangerDanger: sjicirnvmx

GrangerDanger: this is stupid

GrangerDanger: YOU ARE LITERALLY FUCKING THE HORSE/FISH GENITALS

FreckleDick: their genitals are weird so what? They still count as fucking a human because the brain is a human brain. They think like humans, they act like humans, They Are Part Human. 

HeirofSlytherin: so if the top half was a horse or a fish, THEN it would be bestiality???

FreckleDick: yes

GrangerDanger: by that dumbass logic, fucking a minotaur would be bestiality, am i correct?

FreckleDick: yes

ScarHead: aicsdjnewidfn

GrangerDanger: this is the Stupidest conversation i have ever been a part of. Thank you so much Ronald.

FreckleDick: np

ScarHead: malfoy, babe,,,,

HeirofSlytherin: yeah???

ScarHead: what?? the fuck???

HeirofSlytherin: TAKE IT UP WITH CRABBE AND GOYLE

HeirofSlytherin: I DIDN’T KNOW THE ANSWER SO I ASKED YOU GUYS

ScarHead: uughghgh

ScarHead: i want a mcfuckin divorce

HeirofSlytherin: biTCH

 

GrangerDanger added QueenBitch to the chat

 

GrangerDanger: pansy if a human had sex with a centaur would that be considered bestiality???

QueenBitch: uummm, absolutely???

QueenBitch: it’s horse dick

GrangerDanger: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!!!!

FreckleDick: do i need to repaet myself

 

GrangerDanger added Gred to the chat 

GrangerDanger added Forge to the chat

 

Gred: what the fuck ron??

Forge: oh my god he’s a fuckin furry aidcnjwhb

FreckleDick: NO I’M NOT 

FreckleDick: I’M JUST USING LOGIC

Forge: does Firenze kno about this?

Gred: should we tell him?

FreckleDick: ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN NOT!!!

Gred: his first crush aawww

Gred: btw to answer your question Hermione we think it’s definitely bestiality

Forge: dude you’d be fucking the animal part tho

FreckleDick: unbeliaveable

ScarHead: i would defend you 

ScarHead; but i really don’t want to

FreckleDick; thanks asshole

ScarHead: youre welcome :)

HeirofSlytherin: hey guys i have another question

GrangerDanger: FUCK

HeirofSlytherin: what would the child/satan spawn look like?

GrangerDanger: …..fuck

ScarHead: it would be like 75 percent human right?

Gred: yeah so maybe it would have horse ears and a tail??

Forge: yeah and it would have it’s mane too

GrangerDanger: would the back feet be hooves or???

QueenBitch: oh god would it have a horse mouth?

GrangerDanger: thats a terrifying image

ScarHead: guys 

ScarHead: we aren’t asking the most important question

GrangerDanger: ???

ScarHead: would the child ALSO have horse genitals??

GrangerDanger: ooohhhhh that IS a good question

HeirofSlytherin: giving the phrase “hung like a horse” new meaning, amirite?

 

GrangerDanger has removed HeirofSlytherin from the chat

 

GrangerDanger: no

Gred: wait a minute

Gred: would the centaur be male or female? 

Forge: i feel like it would have to be a female centaur cuz if the horse genes were the dominant ones than the a human woman wouldn’t be able to give birth to the baby

Gred: u rite

ScarHead: you’d be fiucking…..horse pussy tho

Gred: pussy is pussy dude

GrangerDanger: fucking christ

QueenBitch: this conversation has taken a very weird turn

Forge: would the baby suckle from the human titty or the horse titty?

Gred: definitely horse titty

ScarHead: wait if you had sex with a mermaid, then wouldn’t the scales around her vagina scratch your dick?

Gred: oooh hadn’t thought of that

Forge: too caught up in the horse puss

Gred: wait how would you get the chance to bang a mermaid? Theyre underwater

GrangerDanger: scuba gear

Gred: brilliant

Forge: you’d have to cut out a hole for the dick tho

ScarHead: but then water would get in the suit

Gred: uuuuhh ok then 

Gred: when you get to your mermaid girlfriend, make sure you have a decent boner and then cut like really really fast and when youre done just shove it in there

ScarHead: chRIST

Gred: easy

Forge: but what about a condom?

Gred: no time

Forge: hope youre ready for a fish baby

ScarHead: hold up what would THAT kid look like? Would it just have webbed feet and hands and some scales?

Forge: and gills?

Gred: what if it didn’t have gills? Then it wouldn’t be able to see it’s mother

Forge: it would just be a freaky human then

GrangerDanger: what if it had gills but no webbed feet or scales? Couldn’t really swim that well

QueenBitch: it would probably get left behind to die if it was a liability to the other mermaids

GrangerDanger: that’s so sad D:

GrangerDanger: ok everybody promise that none of you will impregnate a fucking mermaid or centaur

Gred: ok

Forge: alright

Scarhead: ok we won’t

FreckleDick: fine

QueenBitch: yall kno that crabbe and goyle were behind this fuckery right

GrangerDanger: punch them

QueenBitch: im already headed their way

GrangerDanger: :D

 

Thursday, October 14

 

ScarHead: do you guys think snape has nipple piercings under all that clothing?

HeirofSlytherin: no

FreckleDick: what the actuial fuck is wrong with you

QueenBitch: i do

HeirofSlytherin: WHAT

QueenBitch: well he’s got to be hiding something

QueenBitch: why else would he wear all that junk

HeirofSlytherin: because he’s a greasy dramatic little bitch that’s why

ScarHead: babe

ScarHead: babe you just described yourself

HeirofSlytherin: first of all: bitch

HeirofSlytherin: second of all: BITCH

HeirofSlytherin: u hurt my feelings 

ScarHead: cry about it

HeirofSlytherin: I AM 

QueenBitch: I bet he has a really embarrassing tattoo across his chest 

GrangerDanger: “no ragrets”

ScarHead: “eat ass”

HeirofSlytherin: “Eat Ass, Smoke Grass, and Sled Fast”

FreckleDick: “lick this bussy”

GrangerDanger: y'all are gross

FreckleDick: hey do y'all think that snape is a furry??

ScarHead: Yes

HeirofSlytherin: absolutely

GrangerDanger: I can't believe this 

GrangerDanger: he's the head of slytherin guys so that means he's a scaly 

ScarHead: u rite

HeirofSlytherin: ^

FreckleDick: HA that means malfoy is a scaly

ScarHead: I cannot believe,,,,

ScarHead: my bf,,,,,a scaLY 

HeirofSlytherin: srdhychyhk

HeirofSlytherin: I'm not a scaly you fuck

FreckleDick: that sounds like something a scaly would say

ScarHead: we have to discuss this malfoy 

HeirofSlytherin: ohmygOD

HeirofSlytherin: snape is the scaly not me

GrangerDanger: why are you trying to change the subject??

HeirofSlytherin: >:[

HeirofSlytherin: im being cyberbullied

FreckleDick: the sorting hat knew his preferences and put him in the snake house

ScarHead: it's the only explanation 

HeirofSlytherin: it could be because im a badass bitch

ScarHead: idk the scaly thing makes way more sense to me :/

FreckleDick: yeah 

HeirofSlytherin: im dONE 

 

HeirofSlytherin has left HOGWARTS BITCHES!!!!

 

GrangerDanger: good riddance

ScarHead: what a loser 

HeirofSlytherin joined HOGWARTS BITCHES!!!!

HeirofSlytherin: u talkin shit

ScarHead: nO

HeirofSlytherin: im watching u :)

ScarHead: never has a smiley face emoji been more sinister

HeirofSlytherin: :):):)

Scarhead: quITTT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late af lol. I'm trying tho and that's what matters


End file.
